"Spirit of Perverseness"

The “spirit of perverseness” is to me a natural human affliction. Although I like the ‘rainbows and butterflies’ stance and would like to think that everybody is genuinely good, humans have very complex psychological and emotional tendencies and behaviors.  Sometimes the primal instinct, which biologically is located in the hypothalamus/thalamus are, also referred to as the primal brain, surfaces and takes over reason and logic. Incidentally, one social-emotional issue that is present in humans, but not animals, is that we as people tend to lash out or act out at people that we most feel comfortable with, those with whom we have a secure attachment, because it is ‘safe’ to do so versus lashing out at strangers. We as social beings, depend on the ones with whom we have developed a secure attachment or bond, not just to express love but also anger. We expect and assume to be forgiven by those close to us because of that relationship we have with them. This isn’t necessarily a conscious choice; most of us don’t act with our loved ones because they are just that, our loved ones.  I think we do it because it is a safe ‘place’ to show anger, aggression and otherwise socially inappropriate behaviors.  

Now as an adult, I look back and regret I lot of things I said to my mom when I was a teenager. The incident that mortifies me the most I can’t bring myself to discuss it with her still.

My parents got divorced when I was about 9 years old. I was not angry or upset about it at all, in fact, I was kinda relieved. I thought they were absolutely insufferable when they were in the same room: my mom would bicker and nag constantly and my dad would immerse himself in a fuming silence. My mom however was not happy about the divorce and would constantly bash my dad and accuse him of cheating or what not. Frankly, I didn’t care if he had cheated or not, in my head it didn’t affect my relationship with him in any way, he was still my dad and what happened in the marriage did not (or should not) have anything to do with me.

After a few months my dad remarried. All throughout this whole process, my mom had not stopped harassing me about my dad remarrying and what not. One day my mom and I were arguing about her bashing and insulting my dad in front of my sister and me. I swear I do not know what came over me because I normally would just walk away from the arguments, but that day I just looked her in the eye and said: “ Well I am very happy for him because he has what he has always wanted: a good wife.” My mom’s heart broke and I heard the pieces crash to the ground. That was absolutely horrible of me to say and it was overly cruel and uncalled for; I just couldn’t stop myself. I could hear myself talking and I knew it was wrong but I couldn’t stop. The worst part is that it felt good to say it and see how I had hurt her. It is a horrible, horrible feeling and I hope I never succumb under the ‘spirit of perverseness” again.